by Drew Stapleton, MSW Intern from WSU School of Social Work

Last week we discussed how negative automatic thoughts (NATs) can lead to mental spiraling that is often driven by subconscious core beliefs about ourselves, others or the world. For example, someone experiencing test anxiety may have an NAT like, “I always panic during tests,” that may ultimately be driven by a core belief that they are a failure, incompetent or even worthless. These core beliefs often lurk just beneath the surface of our conscious awareness, driving much of our thinking, feelings and behavior.

These core beliefs and NATs are a form of self-hatred or self-criticism,* which are key components of mental illnesses like depression, trauma-related disorders and our focus over the past several weeks, anxiety. Today we will look at an antidote to self-hatred/criticism: self-compassion.

First, let’s take a closer look at the concept of self-criticism. Once, during a meditation retreat composed mostly of western scientists, teachers and meditation practitioners, the Dalai Lama was asked about his thoughts on the concept of self-hatred. The Dalai Lama appeared confused and went back and forth with his translators to try and better understand the question. After a fair amount of deliberation, he turned to the audience and said, “I thought I had a very good acquaintance with the mind, but now I feel quite ignorant. You’re thinking or you’re feeling that you are something of no value … that is wrong. Absolutely wrong.” **

The Dalai Lama’s unfamiliarity with the concept of self-criticism suggests that self-criticism is a conditioned state at least partially influenced by culture. Western culture tends to be hypercompetitive and individualistic. Many of us face tremendous pressure, both internally and externally, to succeed by outcompeting others in academic, professional and social arenas. This often leads to many of us constantly comparing ourselves to others, and criticizing ourselves when we fall short of our own expectations or the expectations of the people around us.

Self-criticism can also be driven by early learning experiences, interpersonal relationships and genetics. Regardless, although it can be subtle, it is an experience that most have to some degree or another. This begs the question: How do we address self-criticism and experience less anxiety as a result?

One answer is self-compassion.

Self-compassion is a term that carries some baggage for some of us. It may feel selfish or self-absorbed, or it may sound trivial or self-evident. Many of us intellectually understand that loving oneself is generally positive, but how to practice it, and whether or not we need to practice it, is a more complicated question for many.

Let’s first address the question: Why practice self-compassion? One reason is that although it may feel selfish at first, it improves our interactions with others — and our interpersonal relationships as a result. Many of us subconsciously project our self-criticism onto others.

Some of us resent qualities of others that we see in ourselves or resent others for possessing qualities we don’t have. This limits our ability to empathize and increases our negative feelings toward others, which tends to increase anxiety. The quality of our relationships in many ways dictates the quality of our internal experience.

So, how do we practice self-compassion? Here are a couple exercises you can try:

• Next time you feel you are being self-critical, ask yourself, “Would I criticize a loved one or family member as harshly as I am criticizing myself under the same circumstances?” This can help provide us with perspective, and potentially shine a spotlight on the level of compassion (or lack thereof) we truly have for ourselves.
• This next exercise is borrowed from a Buddhist meditation practice called loving kindness or Metta meditation. Sit quietly for a moment, take a couple deep breaths and close your eyes. Bring to mind an image of yourself. Because self-compassion can be difficult or awkward at first, imagine yourself as a child or recall an especially tender version of yourself. This can help create a degree of separation from yourself that almost makes it feel like you are sending compassion toward another person (which may be easier). With that image in mind, repeat in your head the following phrases:

1. May you be safe.
2. May you be free from pain.
3. May you feel valued.
4. May you be loved.

If these phrases feel inauthentic, feel free to experiment with different ones. The important part is to maintain the image and a feeling of warmth toward yourself.

This exercise can be particularly challenging at first. If you want to explore it more deeply or need more guidance, try these guided meditations:

10 minutes: Lovingkindness Meditation with Sharon Salzberg

25 minutes: Loving Kindness Guided Meditation

*These terms are often used interchangeably. I think the term self-hatred can sound extreme so I choose to use the term self-criticism, which I believe is more relatable for most.

**This story is well-known in certain spiritual circles. My sources for this story include a Buddhist psychology course facilitated by Jack Kornfield and a blog called Dispatches From the Heart.

CAPS is here for you

WSU Applebaum offers dedicated Counseling and Psychological Services support to students on a group or individual basis. If you are interested in participating in CAPS services that can help, call 313-577-3243 or send an email. If you are struggling after 5 p.m. or during a weekend, holiday or university closure, call the CAPS Afterhours Program at 313-577-CAPS.

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